by Glen Williams
January 16, 2000
10. To provide a logical vocation for those people released from our mental institutions in the 1980's.
9. To unite the best minds in a generation so they can be abducted from the National Convention and transported to the other side of the moon where a space ship is waiting.
8. The promotion of hostas is a plot by the Japanese to give payback for Disney world, McDonalds, Martha Stewart, and WW2.
7. A governmental slight-of-hand which occupies the masses with growing hostas while the Department of Agriculture secretly studies the sterility of certain hosta cultivars in hopes of developing a program for controlling world population.
6. In the confusion of the hosta explosion it is the hope of the Left Wing Conspiracy to do clandestine research in the recombinant gene engineering necessary to combine H. Flower Power with Cannabis.
5. The dreaded S.F.T.H. Lobby (Slugs For Tasty Hostas) has secretly joined forces with the American Rifle Association. There joint agenda is to put holes in all living things on the North American continent.
4. The right wing conspiracy has infiltrated our beloved hosta breeders and is currently conducting psychological warfare on the innocent unconscious minds of these people in order to have hostas named after Jesse Helms, Phyllis Schafely, and Newt Gingridge.
3. Madison Avenue executives are using hosta gardeners to run a top secret Study on the exact degree of idiocy required of a "gardening" individual before he or she believes the descriptions in hosta catalogues. The same study is attempting to determine what genetic flaw is present when an individual pays $200.00 for a single hosta.
2. The Pentagon and Society of Hosta Wholesalers have combined their wily staffs to introduce testosterone into the genetic mix of hostas in the hopes of the creating aggressive hostas which will in turn bully their owners into buying even more hostas. * See the movie "Killer Tomatoes from Outer Space)
1. I ran out. Any ideas?
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